Corona part deaux

Continued... 

I typically see myself as a positive person. (see the mindbarfs from 2011...) I've dealt with my personal traumas. But I'm getting tired now. I'm tired of being positive (or at least just realistic, that toxic positivity shit doesn't work for me either), and tired of holding my shit together and not being critical of the ideas and people who need to hear critique. I don't know how to deal with the abject stupidity and willful ignorance of today's conservative folk and maintain my positivity. I mean, I guess I understand that change is difficult for some because it takes caring, thought, planning, revising, attempting to do something, failing, picking up the tears and ashes and doing it again, and most conservative minded people are scared of that process. Change is scary! Especially when you're fucking stupid. It's scary to change when you can't see the lies happening right in front of you. I would be scared to! If I had been taken advantage of and duped that many times and didn't want it to happen again I would also try to avoid the change that would make me an inevitable victim of my own inabilities. Anyway... I digress... I always do and my one reader knows it. (I mean... Mindbarf, right?) So I'm not feeling very positive. Lots of people dead, millions more are willfully ignorant and abjectly stupid, I'm unfortunate to live currently in an uber conservative state (but a Purple region at least) and it's fucking hell. The Wife and I took the kiddos on a quick weekend trip. First time out of the house for more than a day since February. We drove over to the Gulf Side and stayed at this little island and the fat ass privileged white people just destroyed it for me. I didn't get any rest, recovery, recuperation, or anything like that because I'm so incredibly uncomfortable around those shitty human beings. It's kinda why I never got into church, a buncha' damned (and that word was chosen purposefully) hypocrites and assholes. I don't feel safe there, and I didn't feel safe on this island. But I had to put on a show. The Wife was melting down about school, the kids haven't stopped fucking melting down since school started, I hated this trip. But I had to hold my shit together. The land is beautiful but the bugs are just as bad as the conservatives down here, and while it has it's appeal, I need mountains (that's on me though). 

I have realized some things. I once considered myself a hard worker. But the last few months have got me thinking... why the fuck am I working this damn hard? I'm not really getting satisfaction out of it. I mean, I do like my job, I did choose to do it, but I just want to show people how to play music, and it's so ridiculously difficult to just do that. I feel like we just got used to doing so much extra shit over the years. And now with kids, there's concerts here, field trips there, performance here, performance there, The Wife's gigs, and night classes, the kids baseball, dance, swimming, golf, piano lessons, cello lessons, concert here, recital there, oh shit I have grades to do, oh shit she's got 120 papers to grade, and on and on, but having a few months off of that grind made me aware of how hard I was working and how little was coming of it. 

Quick break...

It's now 12/29/24 I forgot about my blog again and when I had a few minutes I did another "oh shit! I should write some more stuff on that!" moment. So rather than continue from here, I'll start a new entry.